Alone.
It’s a thing I never get to feel anymore.
I look for it, but I can’t find it.
Years worth of being by myself,
Wishing I had someone else there.
Now that I left Alone behind,
I never knew I would miss it so much.
Always looking over my shoulder,
Hopeless dreams and helpless thoughts,
Never safe, never completely alive.
Caught somewhere in between,
Where darkness crosses pain and death.
Reality hits home and there is no hope left.
I won’t ever be left alone again,
And that hurts more than anything,
More than being alone in the first place,
Stuck here in this painful life.
Trapped.
Fighting against the clinging hands,
Holding me down as I struggle for breath,
Choking my life into nothingness.
Wishing to be free but knowing I can’t,
I settle for my trapped reality,
As I let a tear trail down my face
While I wait for something more.
Hungry.
Never satisfied with what I’ve got,
Always needing something more—
Needing something different than this.
Life is a blur of pain and sorrow,
With scarce moments of fleeting clarity.
Yearning for those moments,
And yet they never come…
I will take my hunger to the grave.
Death.
I realize Death is on its way now,
But I’m not ready for that step.
I haven’t lived the life I wanted,
I haven’t been set free.
How many times I wished for this,
Thinking Death is the only way out.
“Come and take me now, I am ready!”
But Death was never kind to me then.
Now the pain starts all over again.
Not knowing what awaits me
There, just beyond the light,
I cling to the familiar darkness that I know.
This darkness has already done its harm,
And there is nothing left of me
For my inner darkness to take.
But Death can take everything,
What shreds of light I have left,
Because they aren’t really mine—
These pieces of borrowed happiness
That I can never find again.
Lost.
I can’t find my way anymore.
The path used to be clear,
Or at least I thought it was.
Nothing is familiar anymore.
Shades of my life’s resemblance
Cast their shadows across my path,
Taunting every wavering step I take.
My thoughts and actions are unsure,
Even less confident than before.
This feeling never goes away—
My constant companion now.
I ask myself “Who Am I?”
But I never get an answer
To my lost, weary call in the dark.
Tired.
I can’t sleep, and I don’t want to.
Never safe, even in my dreams,
I stay huddled by the fire late at night,
But I never feel its warmth.
My eyes are burning, my mind is numb,
My vision plays tricks on me
With spirits of the past
Come back to haunt me now
In my waking nightmares—
Punishment for what I’ve done.
If life can be so frightful
In those dark midnight hours,
Sleep would only prolong
The horrors that return to me
To disturb my weak attempt at peace
As I summon my pleasant thoughts.
Remember.
I can’t recall the good things,
Only the bad, the dark, the ugly.
Fear of forgetting drives me mad,
Because I want to make it go away,
But that’s why I became this person,
This shell of a forgotten soul.
Against my will I consider the past.
I try forcing myself to forget
So I can tape it up in a little box,
Push it to the back of my cluttered mind
Where it can do no harm for now.
In the end, there’s not much you can do.
Pray for peace,
Hope for the best,
Speak the truth,
Ask for happiness,
And die for it all.
Written By Jennifer Broadbent Real
June 19, 2008
