Wednesday, January 7, 2015
One More Year
I started this post exactly one year after the day my time card almost got punched for the very last time. I almost lost my life on July 7, 2011. One year later in 2012, I was pregnant with my son, and I was a bit overwhelmed with shock and awe at how drastically my life had changed in just one year (which is why I didn't finish this post at the time). I had been given one more year, and I was thankful for ALL of it. I was thankful for every good, bad, and even the ugly experiences, every horrible day, every impossible night, every moment of physical and emotional pain, and I was even thankful for the trauma.
Despite all that ugly stuff that happened in my one year, I was so thankful to just have had that time at all, because it almost never happened.
What would happen if someone just erased the last year of your life? Snuffed out the flame of your life's candle one year ago? How different were you back then? What experiences would you have missed out on? What would you regret losing the most?
I am so thankful for the gift of motherhood, and the privilege to be raising this amazing kid. One year after my life almost ended, I distinctly remember the overwhelming gratitude that something I had always wanted--to be a mother--was one of the many gifts I was finally going to receive.
Nothing could ever replace my son, and no amount of money or goods would be worth it to give him up. Honestly, I would do it all again--every pain-filled, terrifying, and tragic thing that happened in the time leading up to and shortly after giving birth to my son. I would re-live every ugly moment of it if that was the price to pay for being his mother.
And to think, I almost didn't have this wonderful blessing in my life. To think sometimes that I might have died months before my son was even conceived, it brings tears to my eyes. Tears of sadness at the thought of never knowing this sweet little soul here on earth. Tears of the sorrow that would have been mine if I had missed the opportunity to be a mother in this life. Tears of joy that I LIVED and that I have the blessing to raise my son and spend this time with him, watching him grow and learn and explore the world, experiencing so many things for the first time. Those are the tears of joy, that I can hug my little boy and give him kisses on the head and high-fives and knuckles and tickle him until he laughs so hard that he throws up (oops...). Those are the moments I am most thankful for in the time I have been blessed with since that fateful day in July three and a half years ago.
I remind myself often that every day I have been blessed with since that time is a true gift. Priceless beyond measure. I'll say to myself, "Make the most of your day, because you never know when it might be your last."
So, make the most of what you have right now. Learn from the past. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow, and pray you will be blessed with many more tomorrows.
I'm thankful for being blessed with one more year.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Benefit Of The Doubt
I was going to post this on Facebook, but then I thought, hey... why not resurrect my blog? I haven't blogged in years. I should do this more often. I have a lot in life to be thankful for, and lots that I'd like to share with the world.
Tonight I was reminded to give people the benefit of the doubt more often. Patience. Understanding. Forgiveness. The world would be a much better place if we all just took a minute to check that temptation to hastily judge someone and make sweeping assumptions of the person's character based on one or two brief encounters.
I realized that when, for example, I think of another driver on the road as a stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate a-hole, I'm just filling my mind with negative thoughts. My hasty judgment of the person based on a few seconds of observing their current driving methods means absolutely nothing, and is almost assuredly wrong about who the person really is. Besides that, what does my assumption get me? It doesn't exact revenge on the other driver.
What kind of fulfillment can I possibly get from getting angry about and event or occurrence that could be completely out of the other person's control?
What if that person was driving fast because they were late to a job interview after being unemployed for 8 months and is desperate to get the job so he can feed his family?
What if there has been an accident and the person cut you off to get to the off-ramp because they have just found out that their child has been seriously hurt and needs to be taken to the hospital?
What if the person just had a really bad day and just didn't notice you cruising along beside them in their blind spot?
What if the a-hole move was really something that I did unknowingly, and the person is simply responding with returned aggressive driving?
The list could go on. I know when I've had something serious happen, I almost can't help myself but break the speed limit, fly past a few cars that aren't going fast enough, even lane-sweep to get off the freeway. A few years ago, I bent a few traffic laws when I found out that my husband at the time was leaving his two children, ages 9 and 6, completely alone at my house with no phone and no way to contact either one of us. In a panic, I left work and drove home as fast as I could to make sure the children were safe. In that situation, I wouldn't want someone condemning me for my driving, cussing me out, assuming I'm just a jerk who doesn't care about anyone but myself.
Back to the topic at hand. What happened tonight didn't have anything to do with traffic or crazy drivers. It's just something that most people can relate to.
I've renewed my faith in the positive influence it can be in life to just give the benefit of the doubt a little more often. It's like taking a few bricks out of this invisible backpack I carry around with me through life. It feels great to lighten that load a little, and not be carrying around these heavy grudges and negative feelings toward people I don't even know.
So, my thanks goes out to the flooring guy who taught me this valuable life lesson without even realizing it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
My Tattoo
While some people may not agree with the idea of permanently inking up a part of your body, I found every justification in getting this tattoo because of its deep, spiritual significance to me and what it reminds me of every time I look at it.
There are people who have been in my life over the years who have helped me become who I am today. They have made sacrifices to help me get to where I am right now and I owe each of them an enormous debt of gratitude and thanks. I believe you don’t have to regret your past if you’ve learned from your experiences and mistakes, especially if you like who you are (or at least like who you are trying to become).
Life-changing friends are a rare commodity in this world, but I’ve managed to find a few of them:
- F.B. – My childhood friend who has been more like a brother to me—he kept me in this life when I thought I had nothing left worth hanging on for, and I believed there was no reason to fight to survive. Thank you for giving me the strength to hold on.
- K.E. – You were my first love. Thank you for teaching me how to love someone more than I love myself. Thank you for showing me that there were still safe places left for me in this world.
- D.M. – Someone who always tells me exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it, no matter what. A true friend.
- C.P. – Thank you for teaching me to not be afraid to want something more out of life and to reach for my dreams.
- A.G. – He was there for me the night I was betrayed by the one person I should have been able to trust the most. I can never thank you enough for helping me through that.
- C.B. – Thank you for helping me find my faith again and showing me that it’s okay to believe in something you don’t completely understand.
- R.N. – You helped me through some of the hardest times in my life yet, and I’m forever in your debt for that. Thank you for reminding me of what’s important in life, and reminding me of the purpose and meaning behind everything.
I believe that Guardian Angels are sometimes disguised as friends, but I also believe those who have passed on before us like to check in from time to time to make sure we’re doing okay too.
- G.V. – Thanks for looking out for me while you were here, and now watching out for me from Heaven. Even if I don’t always make you proud, I’m trying.
- A.V. – I’ve always been fond of our special connection and I’m glad you’re my name-sake. I don’t think that was a coincidence.
- D.D. and J.B. – Thank you for making sense of my life when I was hopeless and had nowhere else to turn.
- K.E. – I think we knew each other before this life and I believe we’ll know each other again when this life is over.
- F.B. – You’ve been a part of my life in so many ways and you protected me from everything bad in this world before I was brave enough to protect myself. It’s strange, but I hope in some small way that I came to play the same role in your life later on when you had your own demons to face.
- T.R. – Thank you for always making me laugh. No matter how rough things get, you can always bring a smile to my face and make me forget my troubles for a while.
Thank you to all of you for being there for me when I needed you the most, even if your part in my life seemed small or insignificant, you made a huge difference to me and influenced who I am today, right now, so thanks again. You’ve all meant so much to me.
The future of my life is mine and my responsibility alone. It’s my path and I get to make the choice of which direction I go from here. Even if I make mistakes along the way, the important thing is to learn from it and get back on track. I feel like I owe it to the people listed above to make the most out of my life, and to make it matter in some small way. Even if I could never repay the debts I owe them, perhaps I can pay it forward, if nothing else.
Those are the people and the things I think of and remember every time I see my tattoo. If you have a problem with my choice, that’s fine. I’ll never be sorry I have a constant remembrance of the most significant people in my life and what they’ve meant to me, along with the purpose and meaning behind everything that happens, good and bad. Even if these people come and go from my life, I’ll always have that memory of what they’ve done for me, and I’ll always be grateful for that.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Safe At Last
I awake to find myself in an empty room.
Wait, no, it’s not empty. There’s a bed, and there’s me,
And there’s him—the steady rise and fall of his chest,
His slow, even breaths brush softly against my face.
Pulling closer, I wrap my arm tight around him,
Like that hug will keep this night from never ending.
Still asleep, he moves his arm over my shoulder,
Running his fingers so softly over my skin.
I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing I’m safe here,
Lying in this dark-filled room so close to my friend.
“I’m always safe when I’m with you,” I say gently.
He hugs me tightly, but I know he’s still sleeping.
I close my eyes against the deepening darkness
Surrounding me, except for right here, in this bed,
Next to my friend, I am safe at last—finally.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Jenny Kissed Me
Jenny Kissed Me
Jenny kiss'd me when we met, Jumping from the chair she sat in; Time, you thief, who love to get Sweets into your list, put that in! Say I'm weary, say I'm sad, Say that health and wealth have miss'd me, Say I'm growing old, but add, Jenny kiss'd me.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Electrocution
Burning.
Tingling.
Itching.
Searing.
Biting.
Crying.
Dying.
Numb.
Every moment
New pain begins,
Fresh and alive
You're still here,
Always feeling
The stinging pain
Moving
Systematically
Through your body.
Muscles contract,
Aching
In resentment.
Let go.
Just let go.
I can't.
I'm not connected.
There's nothing
To let go of.
There was nothing
Holding me
To this pain
In the first place.
Just me.
And my mind.
Jennifer Broadbent
July 31, 2011
Tingling.
Itching.
Searing.
Biting.
Crying.
Dying.
Numb.
Every moment
New pain begins,
Fresh and alive
You're still here,
Always feeling
The stinging pain
Moving
Systematically
Through your body.
Muscles contract,
Aching
In resentment.
Let go.
Just let go.
I can't.
I'm not connected.
There's nothing
To let go of.
There was nothing
Holding me
To this pain
In the first place.
Just me.
And my mind.
Jennifer Broadbent
July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm Not a Girl!
On that first afternoon at family reunion, I took one look at the girls my age and decided to save myself the boredom and utter humiliation of playing tea-party and dolls with that lot of prissy little clean-freaks. My mom said I should play with the other girls my age, but there was a grander scheme to things in my seven-year-old mind. I remembered the words to a song just then—a song my dad used to sing occasionally at bedtime: “I’m a boy, I’m a boy, but my mamma won’t admit it. I’m a boy, I’m a boy, but if I say I am, I get it!” My dad singing those words always made me laugh. Even though I knew I’d come out of my mom’s tummy as a girl, I was sure there must have been some mistake in heaven. I was a tom-boy to the most extreme sense of the term, but every time I told my mom I was a boy, I about got my ear pulled off.
Now, in my opinion, we were at family reunion to camp out, play in the dirt, go swimming in the lake, burn things up in the camp fire, and go exploring--not sit around and stay out of trouble. That would be so nose-pickingly boring! I shuddered at the thought. So, I went in search of the boys.
When I found my cousins Steven and Kevin, they said I couldn’t play with them because I was a girl. Insulted at being called the G-word, I showed them just how tough I was by beating Steven in a race and wrestling Kevin to the ground. After the three of us got over the initial G-I-R-L issue, we got alone just swell.
That evening, Kevin, Steven, and I begged our parents to let us go swimming in the lake, but they put us off, saying we’d all go swimming tomorrow morning before lunch. With much disappointment, the three of us decided to just walk around the lake, and LOOK at it, since we weren’t allowed to get in it yet. (We were smart enough to realize that the evidence would be painfully clear if we did in fact disobey our parents and take even a quick hop into the lake.)
On our walk, we bragged about how good each one of us could swim. "I can swim faster than a shark!” Kevin boasted.
“Well I swim faster than the monkeys in Monkey Land,” came Steven's rebuttal. Since I had never heard of Monkey Land, I pretended to be astonished and amazed, especially when Kevin’s reaction was awe-struck and reverenced at the mention of Monkey Land.
I had to do better than the monkeys though, especially since I didn’t want either one of my cousins to find out that I couldn’t really swim at all. That would be un-tough and un-cool, and they might think I was a girl again. “I can hold my breath for a hundred minutes!”
“Psh! No way! There’s no such think as holding your breath for a hundred minutes!” Steven said to me. I silently cursed Steven’s logic.
Just then, we came up to a fisherman. He probably wasn’t more than 17 or 18, but to us seven-year-olds, he was a grownup. We started grilling him with questions, such as, “How many fish have you caught?” and “Where do you come from?” and “What are all those red bumps on your face?”
The young man was kind enough to answer our questions with a happy grin. As we stood there watching him fish, he actually caught one. When he reeled it in he let us hold the fish and stroke it a bit. I looked at Mr. Fish, seeing his slightly glazed, glossy eye looking up at me. The fisherman carefully unlaced the hook from the fish’s mouth and threw Mr. Fish back into the lake (I was really into explosives and blowing things up).
The next morning after eating a good breakfast of soggy French toast and charred bacon strips all smothered in syrup and I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter, Kevin, Steven, and I ganged up with Craig and Christopher to take hatchet-lessons from Michael, who was an Eagle Scout. I had no idea what that meant, but it had to be something REALLY good if Michael knew how to use a hatchet. I told Michael that I wanted to be an Eagle Scout, just like him, but he only laughed and said, “You can’t do that, you’re a girl!” I pulled him aside after that and asked him not to say it so loudly (that I was a girl), just in case the other guys found out.
Right then, Craig said, “Hey! All the ‘dolts are goin’ swimming!” We all scrambled into our swimming suits and rushed to meet the parents by the lake side. Anxious to get into the water, none of us really paid attention to the Swimming Safety Rules spiel. The water lapped up against the rocks, beckoning me to come in for a while.
My father asked me if I wanted to wear a life jacket so that I could float and not have to worry about staying in the shallow parts. Embarrassed beyond my seven-year-old comprehension, I told him that of course I didn’t want a life jacket. I didn’t want Steven and Kevin to think I was a wimp or a pansy or a girl because I couldn’t swim.
We had fun playing games like Shark Attack, Marco Polo, and other such things. At one point, the game-playing dissipated, and I was left on my own. I’d had several close calls previously when my cousins had almost discovered the fact that in order for me to breathe, I had to stop and stand on the bottom of the lake and my head above water to get my air. I couldn’t even tread water. It was then I decided that I ought to spend my time practicing holding my breath and swimming back and forth so it wouldn’t be completely obvious that my style of swimming was more like doggy-paddling with standing-up-to-breathe breaks.
Deciding to see how far I could swim without taking a breath, I started at the edge of the lake and aimed for the opposite shore. After swimming for what seemed like ages, I stood up and took a breather. I looked back at my distance from the shore and I was embarrassed at the pathetic gap between me and my starting point. I had to do better than that. Taking in as much air as my little lungs could hold, I set off for the other side once more.
This is far enough, I told myself, still trying to paddle further on my quest to cross the lake. I needed air. I tried to stand up, but I suddenly realized there was nothing beneath my feet but water. I struggled to keep my head up, gasping for oxygen. Crying for help, I quickly realized my efforts were futile. I was choking on water before any sound could escape. I tried again and again to keep myself above the surface, but soon, not even my outstretched hands were breaking the surface.
Nobody can see me, I told myself. No one is even going to know that I’m drowning. My fighting became weaker and weaker against the force that was pulling me down. Inward thoughts drew my attention away from what was going on around me, what was happening, the algae floating across my vision in the murky water.
Why didn’t Dad see me before I went under the water? He could have saved me, but he’s not paying attention. Death isn’t so bad. When I die, my parents will be sorry for all the mean things they ever did and said to me. My big brother Danny will probably get all my toys, and little Jared will want some of them, too. I’ll never get to know what baby Jana will be like. Maybe she and I would have been good friends if I had lived. I hope Mr. Fish will recognize me. Mr. Fish and I are a lot alike. I don’t know why. We just are. He can be my friend now.
Completely submerged and no idea how to survive, my seven years of life didn't flash before my eyes. It's what was yet to come.
I pictured my parents dragging my sodden little body out of the water, crying and weeping over me being dead when I was just barely seven years old. I saw my body, laying there, half in and half out of the water—totally limp. But my face was not quite right for the scene. I was almost smiling, with my eye muscles totally relaxed and my eyelids shut gently. Corpses used to scare me a lot because they always looked so disgusting. Their faces were blown off by some shot-gun, or they’d been picked apart by piranhas or aliens from a different solar system (I was also into watching horror-thriller movies with my dad ... more because it was something I could do with dad and prove how tough I was, not because I enjoyed the movies). But when I saw my own dead body, I wasn’t scared anymore. I was a friendly, non-disgusting dead person, and that made me feel a little bit better about dying.
I pictured my parents dragging my sodden little body out of the water, crying and weeping over me being dead when I was just barely seven years old. I saw my body, laying there, half in and half out of the water—totally limp. But my face was not quite right for the scene. I was almost smiling, with my eye muscles totally relaxed and my eyelids shut gently. Corpses used to scare me a lot because they always looked so disgusting. Their faces were blown off by some shot-gun, or they’d been picked apart by piranhas or aliens from a different solar system (I was also into watching horror-thriller movies with my dad ... more because it was something I could do with dad and prove how tough I was, not because I enjoyed the movies). But when I saw my own dead body, I wasn’t scared anymore. I was a friendly, non-disgusting dead person, and that made me feel a little bit better about dying.
Then I was suddenly floating in the air over my funeral. From my distant view, I shook my head at the people who came to see my body and say goodbye to me. If only they knew me.
Everything went completely dark. There were no more bits of algae floating across my vision in the mucked-up water. Thoughts of Mr. Fish disappeared. It was so dark, and I hated the dark. I was afraid because I didn’t know what was going to happen next. Exploration had always been my specialty, but I knew Death was something I wouldn’t be able to come back from. The fear was too much, and I imagined someone laughing at me because I was scared of Death. Well, I was a tough kid, and I wasn’t going to let someone laugh because I wouldn’t face Death. So I gave up. There was nothing left to live for, after all. Even if there was, I decided that I wouldn’t be able to stop Death anyway. I’d seen The Twilight Zone (several episodes), and when the people were supposed to die, they always died no matter what they tried to do, so there was no use fighting it.
I closed my eyes then, held them shut, encouraging Death to do his job. But I noticed my lungs burning again. I must have opened my eyes, because suddenly, it wasn’t dark anymore. Without even thinking, I heard this voice in my mind say, You can’t die. You haven’t done what you came here to do.
That was it. Those words hit home for me in my young mind. They broke through the darkness. I made up my mind that death was no longer an option for me. Ignoring Death, my struggle began anew. Somehow, I found the strength to get myself just a little bit closer to shore—close enough that I could barely touch the bottom by standing on tip-toe, my mouth and nose just breaking the surface. Gasping in huge breaths of air, my starving lungs were bursting, urging me to get closer to shore so I could have more.
Finally taking the last step out of the lake, I glanced around me. Nobody was looking at me. No one had noticed my struggle. I was upset that I had almost died, and still no one had recognized how close to death I had been. Actually, I was more upset with myself that I had actually decided to die, and I had almost let myself do just that.
Determining to never go back into that horrible lake, I dried off and went to change into my clothes, setting off on a solitary walk through the woods to think about things far too deep and serious for a seven-year-old. Once I was away from everyone else, I decided to not talk about almost drowning—not to my parents, my brothers, my cousins… I wasn’t going to tell anyone. Tough kids don’t almost drown. Being tough meant you had to suck it up and never show weakness. I didn’t want my parents to find out either, since they’d probably tell everyone and embarrass me by making me wear a life jacket, even though I swore I was never going back in that lake. I didn’t want my parents to notice me that much anyway. Not anymore. It was rare when I need their help or when I wanted their attention. But one of those times that I really hoped my parents would be there for me, to save me, had been that morning in the lake. I realized that sometimes, you have to save yourself. You can't always count on someone else being there to save you.
I truly believe that you will find the strength if that day ever comes for you and you find yourself all but lost and totally alone in your struggles. Don't give up, keep holding on. You have a very important purpose in life, and there is a very specific reason why you are here. You have this gift of life, and a reason to live for. Find that reason to live and keep moving forward.
I truly believe that you will find the strength if that day ever comes for you and you find yourself all but lost and totally alone in your struggles. Don't give up, keep holding on. You have a very important purpose in life, and there is a very specific reason why you are here. You have this gift of life, and a reason to live for. Find that reason to live and keep moving forward.
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