A New Life

I am closing this chapter of my life.

I want to send a genuine Thank You to all of you because whether or not you "sided" with me, I care about the roles you've all played in my life as friends and family alike, and I wish you all the very best.

Casey, if you ever find this, I will always miss you and all the great things we had together.  That's what I want to remember about us—the good times, because it wasn’t all bad.  I'll always love you—after all, there are many different ways you can love someone.  I wish the best for you in your life, because you deserve it.  I knew I couldn’t give you what you needed and wanted anymore, so I really appreciate you letting me go and accepting that.  I’m sorry we couldn’t find a way to make things work.  I just couldn’t give up my friends and family for you anymore.  The six years we spent together is the ending of something that has been beautiful and yet bitter-sweet.  I don’t regret a moment of it though.  I don’t believe you need to regret things in life as long as you learned from the experience, and I definitely learned a lot from being with you.

You know, I heard somewhere that the only things you can take into the hereafter are your character, your personality, and the knowledge you gain in this life. I disagree, because I don’t think those are the only things you can take with you.  I believe you also get to take the relationships you form with your friends and family into the next life.

I don't know if anyone will ever quite understand how I can hold so much love in my heart for my friends and family—whether they are someone I’ve known my entire life, someone I’ve just met, or someone I’ve never even seen face to face—but I love them all for what they've done for me.  Several of them have saved my life, literally.  I owe it to those people who have helped me to get to where I am today to make my life mean something and to be the best possible version of myself that I can be. 

I’ve been saved so many times over its like Heaven’s been working over-time sending friends to my rescue over the years.  I wouldn’t be alive today without these people.  I wouldn’t be who I am today without them and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to repay that kindness and selflessness that has been shown to me by so many amazing, wonderful people.  I'd rather make this journey through life with them still in it than to walk alone, clinging to ghosts of forgotten friendships that once kept me from completely losing myself in darkness, hoping that their memory is enough to keep me from falling into that endless black from which there is no return.

I believe we are all put in each other’s lives for specific reasons, big or small, and you can’t put a price on that.  There is nothing more valuable to me than friends and family because if you have nothing else in life, you have those relationships, and they’re the people who will risk their lives for you without a second thought for themselves, and they will pull you right out of Hell’s grasp if that’s what it takes to save you.  If you are lucky enough to have friends like that, don’t ever be stupid or careless enough to let them go or take them for granted. 

It took me a little too long to realize that, but at least that's what I'm taking with me into this new chapter of my life.

Hope for Better Days

How do you explain something

That shouldn’t be said?

Where can you go for safety

When the only place you know

Is unreachable?

Can you see the mark of truth

When you’ve lost your faith?

I’m lost without this knowledge—

I hope for better days.

By Jennifer Broadbent Real
April 2, 2011

My Twin Brother Ron, The Totally Hot Auto mechanic

This is my twin brother Ron--'The Hot Auto mechanic' as he likes to call himself.  Phhhh.  Luckily I didn't get his ample body hair.  I like to ask him if he let the Rogaine roll down his back and chest while trying to apply it to the top of his head.  Ron's got a few pounds on me though so I have to be ready to run when I say stuff like that to him.  "Dude, why does your Wii Fit say 'Ohhh!  One at a time please!' when you step on it?"  Yeah, I'm mean but that's what sisters are for, right?

Ron and I have always been thick as thieves though.  We were a pair of Hellions, let me tell ya.   Always getting ourselves into trouble and taking the fall for the other one.  Okay fine, usually Ron convinced me to take the fall for him... isn't that what brothers do though?  Payback's a cold-hearted b*tch I guess.

Okay, for reals though, those of you who know more about me than the average person, you'll actually realize that I don't have a twin brother.  BUT... I did dress up as Ron The Hot Auto mechanic one year for Halloween and fooled a ton of  co-workers into thinking I was just some service guy wandering around the building and I got to hit on a dude dressed up like the transvestite Frankfurter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show all day long like, "Hey toots, I'd sure like to check out what's under that hood of yours!" and other much, much less G-rated auto related sexual innuendos.

*sigh*  I always wanted a twin brother though.  What can I say besides, Mom, Dad, you guys screwed up.  =)  Love you guys anyway though.  You made a couple other brothers look just like me.

Written on April 11, 2004

It is time.
Time to go--don't look back.
It will only hurt more. Don't look back.
But what regrets will come with me?
A lifetime of regrets, sorrow, and more.
If only it could have waited a little longer...
Maybe I could fix just a few more things.
I wish I could have...
No. Stop it. Don't think about that now.
It's too late for you.
There's no stopping it.
The voice tells me I'm going
Whether I'm ready or not.
I think I knew that already.
You can't play me for a fool.
I know what you're doing.
Look at all that light,
They're smiling through those tears you see.
They're glad to see you go, that's all.
Liar. I don't believe you.
Just leave me alone.
Ah, but I can't, you see.
We have to make this journey together.
Don't talk to me anymore.
You're upsetting me when I'm trying to be happy.
But that would be a long, lonely trip if I were silent.
Shut up.
Very well. We could have been such good friends, you and I.
I don't think so.
But we're so alike.
No we're not.
That's where you're wrong.
I know you better than anyone else.
I paused.
He laughed.
Yes, I can see you're thinking now.
You know I'm right.
I'm always right.
I say to myself, it is time, but I'm not ready yet.
Please.
He snickers. Like that will save you now.
No. Just don't say it. Leave me be.
Why... I'm surprised.
You don't enjoy my company?
No. Now get away from me.
He slid closer. That's no way to speak to an old friend.
Friend?
Yes, we've been old friends for years, haven't we.
It wasn't really a question.
I could feel his grip getting tighter and tighter.
Let go. NOW. I commanded.
He squeezed a little harder.
You can't do anything without me.
You're crazy.
No, he laughed. YOU'RE the crazy one, remember?
I stopped and scowled and bit my lip.
See? You know I'm always right.
I'm not crazy.
Tell yourself whatever you need to to sleep at night.
You're...
He cut me off.
I'm everything you ever hoped and feared.
That's why I make such a good friend.
It's supposed to be this way you know.
No. I don't believe you. I'm not going with you.
I'm afraid you have no choice.

Running in a July Thunderstorm

July 9, 2010

Wearing my jogging pants and a gray t-shirt, I slipped on my black and gray Nikes and stepped outside. I had my iPod wrapped up in my pocket with the ear buds laced up through my shirt and appearing at my neck line so the cord wouldn’t bounce around too much as I ran. Putting a bud in each ear, I pushed PLAY and sucked in a deep breath. As I picked up my feet and began my jog, “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” by Death Cab For Cutie began playing in rhythm with the pit-pat-pit-pat sounds from my feet hitting the pavement.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark…

My feet were hitting the pavement in same steady rhythm: pit-pat-pit-pat. My breath was coming in even gasps while I focused on the lyrics of the song rather than the ligaments in my knees aching in protest at my urging to move faster and loosen up already. Lightning brightened the night sky, reflecting off the low-hanging clouds over the trees.

… The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs

If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark
Then I’ll follow you into the dark.

I felt the first drop of rain hit my cheek. Another on my nose. Then my arm. Next, my neck. I began to blink quickly, attempting to keep the rain from piercing my eyes. Then, “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol began to play, steadying my pace while the pitter-patter of rain picks up, mingling with the pit-pat-pit-pat of my feet falling on pavement.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?...

A car drives by, its headlights illuminating the penny-sized raindrops splashing onto the pavement, revealing the little splattering explosions of rain water as they hit the ground.

… I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?...

More flashing in the sky—the lightning welcoming the booming thunderheads as they roll in from the North. I keep my pace steady as the lightning continues to periodically illuminate my surroundings in the darkness between the streetlamps with a dull bluish-gray hue. The thunder was nearly drowning out the sounds of the song, but I kept listening as I ran.

… All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

With the lightning flashing all around me and the thunder following shortly after each bolt, rain speckling my face and falling in my eyes now, sprinkling my shoulders, I urge myself on with “Dolphins Cry” by Live beginning to play.

The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God laid me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us…

The rain is soaking through my shirt now. I can feel my clothes sticking to my skin as I continue to run. I turn to face the mountains just in time to see a bolt of lightning strike the deepest part of the valley, illuminating the two majestic peaks, crackling as if it were splitting the mountain range in two.

… Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe…

… Come to me

A man with his pet dog hurries by me, moving quickly in the opposite direction. I nod hello and he does the same to me as “First Time” by Lifehouse starts to play.

We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide…

I put my head down and keep running, hoping the rain will stay out of my eyes so I can see the ground beneath my feet.

… Looking at you,
Holding my breath,
For once in my life
I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,
Letting you inside.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home…

In the shadows between the streetlights, I find myself. Running—I feel so alive—lungs bursting while I think of you, knowing that you are thinking of me too, at this very moment, under the same stormy, night sky. Knowing what we both know brings me hope. Knowing that we both feel the same way brings me peace.

Serenity - Poem

Serenity

Azure blue sky
Mistaken for
Serenity.
Calm winds blowing
Across the field
Strewn before me—
A waving sea,
Bobbing barley,
Silent watchers,
My audience.

By Jennifer Broadbent Real
June 14, 2010

Part 2 of Rootbeer Beer

Some of you might remember my post from December last year on my dad's "Rootbeer Beer."

Well, June 2nd was my dad's 50th birthday and he threw a huge party that night for a ton of friends, business colleagues, neighbors, and family. I decided to make an appearance and see some of the old friends and family members I haven't seen in a while and of course to wish my dad a happy birthday and all.

At the party, my dad offered to let me take home a bottle of his home-made rootbeer. He and my brother Jared had brewed it up fresh... just 10 days before. Of course... we are talking about the yeast-carbonated mixture that happens to have a wee bit of rootbeer extract in it. And I guess my dad has been brewing more than just beer (I mean rootbeer) because when I was a teenager, I found this book that has all sorts of different brewing recipes in it. Gingerale is probably the most tame and widely known beverage recipe contained in that book. I vaguely remember getting this book for my dad one summer. I want to say I found it at a festival or something... you know those 4th of July and 24th of July things they do in the park or in front of the court house or something... I think I found it at one of those little stands and picked it up. My dad went on and on at his birthday party how that book was the BEST PRESENT he's EVER received, etc. etc.

So when the evening was over, I took home my little 12 oz. bottle of rootbeer that had been bottled up in an 80's style glass Sprite bottle. I thought my husband would of course want to taste the beverage of choice from my childhood, seeing as how my dad's homemade rootbeer has such sentimental value to me, being involved in a lot of my fond childhood memories. Casey REFUSED to even TASTE it! "I've never drank alcohol and I don't intend to start now!" I tried to reason with him. Come on... my dad wouldn't knowingly feed his elementary school kids ALCOHOL! It's just a joke we make about my dad making his own brews, etc. etc. Casey could not be reasoned with. M'kay then. 'Guess I'll have to enjoy this all by myself. *Pop Hiss* and immediately Casey said, "WHOA! That IS alcohol!"

*Blank look staring up at Casey* "Are you serious?" *taking another swig of "rootbeer"* "Jen, I don't know how you can't smell the alcohol in that..."

"Well... I guess if that's what alcohol smells like, yeah, I can smell it, but if you recall... we got married when I was 20 years old and you don't drink alcohol so it's not like I've had many opportunities since I've been old enough to legally drink to actually hang out at a bar and actually figure out what alcohol smells like..."

Casey couldn't believe that I finished drinking it. He says he could smell the alcohol on my breath for hours after I drank my dad's brew. Casey wouldn't let me drive any more that night either. Not like I just drank a 2-liter of it or something. Though... you'd have to wonder just how alcoholic my dad's rootbeer actually is. Casey can't wait to give my dad a hard time about giving his daughter alcohol, though that little conversation is probably a long time in coming since Casey and I spend as much time away from my family as possible.

Oh well. I knowingly consumed my dad's alcoholic rootbeer. It was good though!!! I could seriously pick up a bad drinking problem if I wasn't careful here. Raised on alcoholic rootbeer, accustomed to the taste, lovin' every minute of it. Ahhhhh... *lounging on the couch with pants unbuttoned* That rootbeer beer sure is good though.